Monday, July 30, 2007

Meh

Lately I've been wondering how am I to give back to the world. When I say "give back" I don’t just mean monetarily, but also creatively and in a humanist way. What kind of mark am I to leave in this world? Am I to leave a mark at all?

Something that I'd like to become a part of is micro lending. I heard about a few organizations that help people across the world start their own businesses and work their way out of poverty through the use of micro loans. I've been looking into Kiva as a way to contribute.

Creatively, I've been trying to write more. Mostly I've been writing private journal entries offline and I have yet to start on a book of writing exercises that I borrowed from the library for the purpose of getting back into the habit of writing. I do not know if through writing I will find my purpose in the world, but it's something that I have always felt would, but I don’t hold it as a given like I did when I was sixteen.

Some, but not all of this thinking was prompted by the discovery of a lump in my breast three weeks ago, for which I go this Friday for more tests to determine what it is. While I’ve read that 80% of lumps are benign, it brings out fear of the worst, fear that I don’t deserve it to be benign. It’s ridiculous and it’s a fear that I shouldn’t give much thought to or buy into in the slightest, but it’s still there, it’s a darkness I feel. I’m trying not to worry about it unless I end up having something to worry about. I’ve been doing a good job of that, but today, not so good.

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