Sunday, December 9, 2007

Seek and you shall find

Ok, I realized that I've been talking about my job a lot lately. The last thing I'm going to say about it is that I'm so thankful that it's showing me how difficult I find change, that I struggle with humility, and that I still replay old, defunct mental scripts. Good. I need to know these things; I'm grateful for the awareness and the opportunity to change and grow.

Moving right along... I was in a mood last week, one that found me looking back with curiosity, wondering, "what are my exes up to?" Not that I have a desire to reconnect, email or speak to any of them; frankly, the thought of talking to any of them seems incredibly unnecessary, but I do wonder about their lives in a non-jealous, non-romantic way. I wonder sometimes what became of them, the same way I wonder what ever happened to Tiffany Brissette from Small Wonder.

Incredibly, most of my exes are untraceable via the internet. I find that to be both completely bizarre and kind of irritating. How does one avoid getting their name somewhere online? Are they just not into the internet? And, come on, post a photo and a profile! Are you happy? Married? Still a jackass? Exes want to know! I have stuff out there and if you can spell my name right, you are rewarded with a few recent photographs and some profile info. Do the same!

But if you seek, you shall find, and one must be prepared to face the consequences of poking around in the past. Such as learning via Facebook that a recent ex is now engaged. And that said ex is on both Facebook and Myspace when he was content with dial-up when you met him and couldn't use the internet without generating a million pop-ups and crashing his PC.

When I found his profile, I also found hers, which contained an album full of pictures of the two of them. They looked happy. I thought about how hard it was to break up with him, how he was an incredibly kind and selfless human being, how we didn't have that spark and how hard it was for both of us to let go. Looking at their photos, I felt sadness yes, but also a real sense of peace and closure.

So M, if one day you're sitting around and decide to google your exes, I wish you all the best and that your life is full of love and happiness.

But I hope you don't look back.

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