Monday, December 24, 2007

So alive

When I am with my family, like tonight, with my uncle, it is a
reminder of how huge one life can be. I mean how much life you can
actually fit into your day and how alive you can feel. My family is so
much fun. I know people don't enjoy their family as much as I do.

Right now, we're watching live brazilian music performances and
drinking champagne. Just finished playing a lot of guitar hero with my
cousin. We're going to watch a tribute to Ayrton Senna (F1 racer) in a
minute.

As much as I dislike Florida, I love how much life and energy my
family has. When I say miss Florida, it's them I miss.

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Moon over Miami

It's a bit after sunset and tonight's full moon is a "Yule moon." It's
so bright! It's the highest riding full moon until 2013. Right below
it is Mars (you can't see it in the photo) at its closest and
brightest tonight until 2016.

If you're reading this on the 23rd, step outside and look east.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

BAN the horse-drawn carriage industry

More visibility on the issue of horse drawn carriages, just in time as people think that a ride around the park is soooo romantic. Brian Lehrer had NYC council member Tony Avella on the show talking about introducing his ban on the industry. Let's get behind this! Contact your council member and Mayor Bloomberg and let them know your feelings about this!

Don't know what to say? Here's a letter you could use.

Listen to Brian Lehrer's show here:


Watch a trailer for a new documentary about the horse-drawn carriage industry called Blinders.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Seek and you shall find

Ok, I realized that I've been talking about my job a lot lately. The last thing I'm going to say about it is that I'm so thankful that it's showing me how difficult I find change, that I struggle with humility, and that I still replay old, defunct mental scripts. Good. I need to know these things; I'm grateful for the awareness and the opportunity to change and grow.

Moving right along... I was in a mood last week, one that found me looking back with curiosity, wondering, "what are my exes up to?" Not that I have a desire to reconnect, email or speak to any of them; frankly, the thought of talking to any of them seems incredibly unnecessary, but I do wonder about their lives in a non-jealous, non-romantic way. I wonder sometimes what became of them, the same way I wonder what ever happened to Tiffany Brissette from Small Wonder.

Incredibly, most of my exes are untraceable via the internet. I find that to be both completely bizarre and kind of irritating. How does one avoid getting their name somewhere online? Are they just not into the internet? And, come on, post a photo and a profile! Are you happy? Married? Still a jackass? Exes want to know! I have stuff out there and if you can spell my name right, you are rewarded with a few recent photographs and some profile info. Do the same!

But if you seek, you shall find, and one must be prepared to face the consequences of poking around in the past. Such as learning via Facebook that a recent ex is now engaged. And that said ex is on both Facebook and Myspace when he was content with dial-up when you met him and couldn't use the internet without generating a million pop-ups and crashing his PC.

When I found his profile, I also found hers, which contained an album full of pictures of the two of them. They looked happy. I thought about how hard it was to break up with him, how he was an incredibly kind and selfless human being, how we didn't have that spark and how hard it was for both of us to let go. Looking at their photos, I felt sadness yes, but also a real sense of peace and closure.

So M, if one day you're sitting around and decide to google your exes, I wish you all the best and that your life is full of love and happiness.

But I hope you don't look back.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

You're a stupid girl

Let me let you in on a secret: I'm bad at math. It's the real reason I don't take cabs, why I don't order delivery. I can't do basic math without counting on my fingers and I need a calculator for higher numbers. I'm lucky I can determine the tip at a restaurant, but that's because I've memorized how to do so. Math is my kryptonite.

My new boss is metrics man. He loves it and he rocks at it. He's into doing projections, models, all this stuff that I can't even name. I wouldn't have taken this job had I known that I would be responsible for coming up with metrics. It's not my strength. He knows that I'm a noob so he's patiently showing me how to do this.

For the past week now, he'll call me over to work on a spreadsheet. I'll be sitting at his desk, my face hot, holding back tears while he's coming up with shit that makes my head spin. All I'm thinking about while he's showing me his model is that I can barely add and subtract. I have flashbacks of summer school, tutoring sessions that ended in failure, aptitude tests that confirmed my mathematical incompetence. This process has unearthed a level of insecurity that I haven't felt in years. It has unearthed old shit that says, "You're only smart if you're good at math. You're not good at math, ergo you are stupid." It has unearthed an intense shame and deep rooted fear that I'm not smart at all. The real secret is not only do I feel stupid for being bad at math, I'm afraid that everyone else thinks I'm stupid too. Forget my strengths, ignore that I'm smart in many other areas, because the only thing that counts, the only measure of my intelligence is my mathematical abilities and without any, I'm nothing but a beautiful dumb girl. These are harsh, unforgiving and unloving messages that I tell myself.

I want to quit my job, give up and give into the belief that I can't conquer this, that it's best to leave now before being fired, because to be fired will confirm my belief that I am being judged, that I am stupid. The other part of me wants to head over to Barnes & Noble, pick up "Math for Dummies," and work harder than I have ever worked to nail this shit and show myself that I can do it (and that I am smart).

It wouldn't be without precedent: In college, I challenged myself and took algebra II, physics (yes), statistics (uh huh), micro and macro economics and got nothing lower than a B. While I do think there's a difference between working on equation after equation and acing tests compared to working out real-world scenarios, I have proven that with a lot of hard work, I can do it.

So I can't give up, right? I can do it!

Wait. Doesn't all of this reinforce my belief that I can only be considered smart if I'm good at math? There's no room here for me to struggle at it and still consider myself intelligent. It's a zero sum game I've created.

I didn't expect this job to challenge me in so many ways.

Monday, December 3, 2007

just no.

just so you know, spicy Mexican hemp pasta followed by mint madness soy dream is not a good idea.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

I heart NY

Most if not all of you know that I have an interest in "old" New York, whether it's my nostalgia for the bygone days of the Automat or my disappointment that the city destroys beautiful historic architecture to turn itself into a giant suburban mall. Sigh. Well, I'm not alone. I found some great blogs about what's happening to NY that I added to the nav but also want to directly pimp out to y'all.

Jeremiah's Vanishing New York
. This is great site chronicling the city's changes. It's also a little depressing, but that's the point. Learned a new word, too: Yunnie.

Lost City. Another site dedicated to discussing the loss of New York's architectural and cultural history.

This stuff reminds me that I need to post more about the Automats.