Sunday, March 9, 2008

back or forth

This weekend I've been watching "In Treatment," an HBO half-hour show. Amazon had a free download of the season this weekend and I had nothing to do. The show isn't that interesting but I am fascinated by the opening credits. A wave of dark blue water rises on left, angles down, and then rises again on the right. I watched five episodes before I figured out what it was: one of those wave machines from the 1980s!

Do you remember those? Maybe your parents or someone older than you had one sitting on a desk. Some cool older kid I knew had one. (Heh, Tina. She was much older than me and somehow allowed me to hang with her. I wish I knew her last name so I could look her up). I also remember seeing them at offices, too. A long rectangular plastic container with a dark blue liquid that rhythmically sloshes back and forth. I tried to find an image of the machine, but could only find new versions of it. I even looked on ebay. Heh, no one has them anymore I guess. I'm not the only one who noticed it and that the main character of the show has one. Seems like a few viewers are looking for them, too.

This weekend was strange. Saturday it poured and I stayed home. I cleaned and went through old magazine issues of Real Simple that piled up (I'm so over that magazine). I went out and ran in the park when the rain slowed to a sprinkle. Today, I went out and grabbed a latte, came back home and didn't do much. Sometimes this is exactly what I want to do but other times, it reminds me of how alone I feel here with no close friends nearby, no one to spend time with.

My aunt and uncle in Long Island have really been reaching out, especially after my grandmother got ill. Asking and insisting I come by on the weekend. Next weekend, I've committed to stopping by. They've always invited me over, but I have traditionally kept my distance, not because they aren't nice people, but because... well, because I'm closer to my other aunt and uncle. So maybe we can get to know each other better. That would be nice.

The other part, the lack of close friends nearby, is enough to send me packing and moving back home to Florida. Much is made of the internet and of social networking. I have friends across the country and the world. I love staying in touch and seeing photos of their kids. I love their emails, but I wish they all lived a little closer. I wish I could see them more often. It's really hard feeling alone most of the time. My interests in solitary activities and my tendency to isolate myself make it really, really difficult to make new friends. I thought I had made a new friend, this girl I had met at work. We became running partners and friends, but ultimately, it didn't work out. Friendships with women have always been few and far between. I find them to be so fragile. Our friendship ended recently and that made me think about how my face to face interactions are limited to coworkers and strangers. And it’s not what I’d like my life to be like. If I don't break out of my shell, if I don't change, then my life will continue to be like that.

I'm unofficially giving myself until 2009 to make a proper life here in NY, which to me, means all that I currently have plus local friends. If I can't do it, if I'm still without a group of friends by this time next year, I'm leaving. At least in Florida, I can be with family and at least one good friend that lives there.

Making friends should be easier than dating, right? Right???


Anonymous said...

Can we trade lives for a few weeks? I don't have time to sleep, let alone run or grab a latte. The other side of the coin is to be worked to death and not have the opportunity to enjoy the people that are right at my fingertips.

While you're me, can you do some of that running in the park? I can use the exercise.

-The Fat Guy

vivzan said...

We are both unbalanced. I really hope things will change for the better for you soon. Will you be able to take time off, like 3 months of you sitting around doing whatever you want?

Anonymous said...

LOL. I'm laid off, so yes, I guess I can take some time off.

vivzan said...

they laid you off, huh? Sorry to hear that, but not sorry that you're finally getting some well deserved time off.