Monday, July 21, 2008


We all have our quirks. I talk to myself. Out loud. Mostly at home but if anyone paid attention they'd notice I do this at work and out on the street (although I'll classify that as "utterances.")

Here's one quirk of mine that comes into awareness every once in a while and I just did it 10 minutes ago. In my apartment, where I do most of my talking, I have the habit of stopping and saying out loud, "Ok, here's the situation."

Most of the time, I'll continue from there and think or speak aloud the issue I'm chewing on, but some of the times I end up totally derailing and doing something different, something I can't really stop until I finish and it's this:

Ok, here's the situation
My parents went away on a week's vacation and
They left the keys to the brand new Porsche
Would they mind?
Umm, well, of course not

Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot
I pulled up to the corner at the end of my block
That's when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking
I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking

You should've seen this girl's bodily dimensions
I honked my horn just to get her attention
She said, "Was that for me?"
I said, "Yeah"
She said, "Why?"
I said, "Come on and take a ride with a helluva guy"

[whoop whoop sound]

She said, "How do I know you're not sick?
You could be some deranged lunatic"

I said, "C'mon toots - my name is the Prince
Beside, would a lunatic drive a Porsche like this?"

She agreed and we were on our way
She was looking very good and so was I, I say - word

We hit McDonald's, pulled into the drive
We ordered two Big Macs and two large fries and Cokes

She kicked her shoes off onto the floor
She said, "Drive fast, speed turns me on"

She put her hand on my knee, I put my foot on the gas
We almost got whiplash, I took off so fast

The roof was open , the music was high
And this girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh

She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far
I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car

We're doing ninety in my Mom's new Porsche
And to make this long story short - short
When the cop pulled me over I was scared as hell
I said, "I don't have a license but I drive very well, officer"

I almost had a heart attack that day
Come to find out the girl was a twelve-year-old runaway

I was arrested, the car was impounded
There was no way for me to avoid being grounded

My parents had to come off of vacation to get me
I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me

That's from "Parents Just Don't Understand." I just checked and there are some omissions and errors, but this is how I recite it in my head, "whoop whoop" sound included.


No comments: