Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 - Not as bad as I thought

This was probably one of the worst Christmas/Birthday I've had so far. It wasn't one thing that made it bad, it was a mixture of things like stupid family arguments I witnessed. My grandmother gone. A depressed and lonely grandfather who can't imagine life continuing without his wife of 57 years. My extended family of cousins who all live in Florida sequestering themselves and doing their own things. The emotional ups and downs involved with having a birthday on Christmas day.

This, along with struggling still with health issues and not really talking with anyone about how I've felt about it, made me feel profoundly alone and miserable, which all came to the surface yesterday. I felt truly hopeless and the only thing I wanted was for 2008 to end because I thought it sucked so badly, yet I wasn't looking forward to 2009 because I assumed it would be more of the same.

So I talked to friends about it yesterday and I talked to friends about it today and started to feel a little better. Then on the way home today, freezing my ass off, I slipped and fell on my ass. I looked up and saw an unexpected clear night sky with Venus and the moon looking all pretty.

And then, still sitting on my ass, I realized while there were some bad moments this year, it was not all bad and I do not have it bad. There was much love, growth, and wonderful experiences and while I sometimes feel lonely I am not nor have I ever truly been alone in this world.

So looking back on 2008, here are some of the many great experiences I had for which I am thankful for:

* When my grandmother got diagnosed with terminal cancer in February, I was able to fly down every month to see her before she died. This meant so much to the both of us.

*I reconnected with four former coworkers/friends and not only have we been able to reconnect despite the physical distance, but forge a deeper friendship that's special to all of us.

*Flying out to California to see these friends for the PRN West Coast Reunion, playing Rock Band, eating great food and celebrating! What a fantastic moment of 2008!

*When I started at my job Oct 07, things weren't looking so good. But changes in 2008 made this job the best job I've ever had.

*Not only is this the best job I've ever had, but I have fantastic coworkers who are smart, work hard, make me laugh and that I can call friends.

*Rock Band and all that came with it!

*I said I would do so, and I really have made strides to be more social and expand my circle of friends this year.

*I went to a pizza party where a friend and I pumped out fresh creative pizza after pizza that everyone loved and made me feel like a total rock star in the kitchen!

*Getting a whole lot closer to my cousin Bianca, laughing like hyenas, GI Joe, Rockband, supermanning the bed, and the sheer amount of love that I have for her. Friendship, sisterhood and memories for a lifetime made with still more to come!

*My father and I continued slowly to reconnect after not talking for 15 years. And, I gave him my car, something he needed far more than I did, surprising everyone including myself, on what love and forgiveness really means.

*After shunning it for years, I finally understood the emotion behind dancing and found myself connecting and letting go. Plus, watching a bunch of senior citizens dance to "Low" was beyond hysterical!

*I've worked hard this year to embrace the parts of myself that I rather not see and face my own darkness. I've really grown and learned so much about myself. It's a work in progress that will continue in 2009.

*I do crazy things like make plans to go to a concert at 2am on New Year's Day. By myself. And I plan on having a great time!

I look back and see that yeah, my life is messy, sometimes sucky, but really really full and good. I'm glad that I figured this out before 2008 ends as now, I am hopeful and looking forward.

Best in 2009 to all of you, my dear, dear friends. Thank you for being you and bringing much joy to my life!


Chelc said...

I'm so sorry to hear you didn't have a great Christmas/birthday. But it sounded like you had an awesome time last night! I think it's great you can make plans like that to have fun without needing someone else with you. I also am glad you were able to at least be with some of your family and connect with your cousin. Sometimes it's the times you have with fewer people that end up being more special - and also make you grateful for when the whole family can get their act together and be there!

I love how Rock Band is on your many times? :D I think the WCR is easily the highlight of my 2008, and I hope we can make it a frequently recurring event! (And you know you're always welcome to come out and visit, or have more long-term intentions!) :D

I hope 2009 brings health and happiness to you. I'm glad you're turning to friends to help you - there's no need to try to handle an emotional burden on your own! That's what good friends are for!

Love and hugs!

vivzan said...

Yeah, it's hilarious how often Rock Band shows up!

Re: handling emotional burdens on my own. One of my friends said to me "gardens need shit to be healthy and grow (referring to manure). So do friendships so stop leaving out your shit!"

So in 2009, I get to put the shit into my friendships! :-)